Some think of the London Underground as the city’s rapid-moving public transportation system, complete with train cars and railway tracks for your average Joe to get from Goodge Street to Piccadilly Circus in a mere fifteen minutes. The real London Underground is a close-knit network of hidden places that all exist below the city’s surface. While it may take a bit of searching to find them, it’s well worth the time if you get to enjoy at least one of these underground venues.
Trafalgar Square Pub
The lion statues and elaborate fountains are only half of what Trafalgar Square has to offer. The rest, and best, lies beneath all the pomp and circumstance. Trafalgar Square Pub, also known fondly as “The Bunker,” is the favorite pub of Westminster and is directly under the square itself. Here, locals and tourists alike can spend too much money on drinks and get pissed while playing darts or talking politics. Despite the pub’s wide selection of alcohol, most people stick to the house drinks because of their novelty and their particular relevance to the pub’s location. The list follows:
On the ceiling, you’ll find Xs marking the locations of the statues and figures above. A popular pastime for the pub’s patrons is to find the location of the statue their drink is named for and take a selfie beneath it. The pub asks its visitors to use the hashtag #TSPub in order to help promote and stimulate the business, but most people just tag it #BunkerBuzz or #DamnAdmiral instead.
There’s only one entrance and exit to the pub (in direct contrast to fire safety protocols), inside the Charing Cross Station. At a point between all the hustle and bustle of foot traffic, there’s a tunnel with a sign that says emergency exit only. What makes this sign stand out from other emergency signs is its purple color. The signs that lead to an actual emergency exit are always lime green. Once you begin following these signs, you’ll be led to a tunnel that lets out right beneath the Square itself.
NOTE: If in an actual emergency, DO NOT follow the purple emergency exit sign, unless you’d like to be trapped beneath a giant column commemorating Admiral Nelson.
The Shard’s Negative Floors
If you’ve traveled anywhere around London, I’m sure you’ve seen the large glass structure called The Shard. With its 73 aboveground floors, The Shard pierces the sky with impressive precision, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Below the ground floor lies 284 more, with tours and attractions for all willing to pay £50 fee. This fee allows you to traverse the lower floors at your leisure, and the ticket allows you to return for the remainder of the month. If you’d like a more frugal option, you can go for the £12.99 package, which allows you access to the last three floors and the top three floors. I’d recommend the larger package; it’s a better deal for your pounds.
–284th Floor:
Some people may say that a ball pit for adults is ridiculous. It’s at that moment that you slap these people in the face with the findings of Professor Hildebrand-Stewart of Oxford University. He states that in order to bring down stress and tension levels, all employed men and women need time away from work to do something relaxing and enjoyable. What’s more enjoyable than a nice prance through a room filled halfway with plastic balls?
As this is an adult-only ball pit, the age requirement for this floor is 18. This way, you don’t have to worry about stepping on small children, snot rockets, or drool pools, only blissful play where adults can finally let out their big boy and girl trousers. However, please do not take this literally. The ball pit requires all patrons to wear trousers, shirts, and socks before acceptance onto the floor.
–111th Floor:
If you’re looking to get tipsy at noon, look no further. As most men and women know, wine is essential if you’re going to get through an average day, and The Shard’s staff is well equipped to handle this need. On this floor you will find an exclusive wine tasting and dining experience. In tours of four people, you will be taken through Europe by your taste buds. Wine from Italy, France, Spain, and more will grace your lips and steadily increase your blood-alcohol level. Once you reach the end of the tour, you will be taken to a small store where you can purchase your favorite(s). That cabernet from Naples not in stock? Have it shipped to your home for an extra £30.
If interested, you could take a seat at the adjoining restaurant, Les Foods, and grab a quick meal to accompany the wine you’ve bought. Your waiter will be sure to match your cuisine with your wine’s country of origin. In order to prevent people from drunkenly stumbling through The Shard’s main doors at 3:00 p.m., they insist that all wine tasters have a BAC level below 0.8 to leave the building. Until then, you can explore the other floors, or even make a second trip through the wine tasting. You can go there a maximum of three times a day before they deny you entrance and send you to the –25th floor where you’ll be forced to sit in a giant bean bag with an IV drip to hydrate you and flush out the toxins.
–7th Floor:
This floor holds the arcade, bar, and casino. It’s where you go to test your luck, get drunk, and then test it again. If you feel up to it, take some time to visit the arcade and waste some money earning tickets that will only get you a small water gun from the bottom shelf. I’m sure some kid ten years your junior will show you up in Skee Ball and make you rethink all your life choices, but don’t take it too hard. You could cream him in beer pong.
If you’d rather play with the adults, stick to the Blackjack and Texas Hold ‘em tables. The dealers will help you out if you tip them well, but don’t say I told you so. For a tip under five pounds, they’ll raise an eyebrow your way and make sure you lose on purpose. A £20 note will get you a little more luck than your neighbors, while a £50 note can guarantee you at least five wins. But be careful; you don’t want to get caught if you’re going to attempt bribery. It’s heavily frowned upon and will get you escorted to the ground floor by security guards. If you’re planning to bribe your dealer, remember these three signals. Thumb your nose as you sit down to let you dealer know you plan on tipping him. Messing with your hair or beard means you’re ready to hand over the big notes. Tapping your fingers on the table in an irritated fashion lets the dealer know you’re unhappy with the result of your hand and would like to rescind your earlier thumbed nose.
Carl’s Wittle Westeros Dinner Theatre
Carl’s Theatres exist in all of London’s movie rental stores. Started by an avid nerd named Carl in the 90s, Carl’s Theatres are a staple of the city. However, as renting movies fell out of fashion, so did these theatres. As fewer people went to the stores, the less they heard about the theaters. Now, only a few treasured fossils survive.
If you happen upon one of these ancient gems, walk around and try to find a VHS copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It may be hidden, so be diligent in your search. Look on every shelf, in the bathroom cabinets, in the drawers. I’ve heard of them putting the tape in the cashier’s pocket before, but I’ve never witnessed this myself. (I wouldn’t go rooting around in there if I were you). When you find the tape, pat yourself on the back and hand it to the person manning the register. They’ll say the phrase, “Valar Morghulis” (“All men must die”) to which you must reply, “Valar Dohaeirs” (“All men must serve”) if you wish to receive a ticket. Once you’ve done everything as I say, you will be on your way to visiting one of the best shows in town.
Each theatre has its own theme. The best one by far is Wittle Westeros in Westminster. Located in the basement of a long abandoned rental store with the unfortunate name of Rent Me Cheap, this theatre became especially popular after the HBO series Game of Thrones made its debut. Before, only those hipsters who knew about it before it was cool came to the theatre and argued over what actors should be cast to play the parts of their favorite characters and snubbed the mere idea of a mainstream television show. Now, tickets are gone within hours after the store opens.
After getting your ticket and returning to Rent Me Cheap after closing, tap on the glass doors to the tune of Game of Thrones’ opening song. Someone will be waiting inside to punch your ticket and let you into the theater downstairs. Be warned, this specific location requires you to dress up. You can go as your favorite character from the show or just find a costume that fits the medieval time period. If you do not dress to code, you will be given a name tag that says “Dwarf” and will be forced to endure ridicule for the entirety of the showing. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, put some extra thought into your costume.
Upon arrival, each ticket-holder will receive a box of popcorn, a large soda, and a package of candy. All first timers, fondly called virgins, are given a large red ‘V’ sticker to attach to their chests. Before the show starts, all virgins will be called to the front and told to stand in a line. The virgins are given a different task each night. The thing most often asked of them is to give their best impression of Cersei’s face whenever Robert Baratheon tried to sleep with her.
Once everyone has arrived and grabbed their concessions, the lights dim and the show begins, usually consisting of a few episodes from one of the five seasons that have already aired. Starting April 25th, the theatre will be hosting viewing parties every Sunday night as the new episodes from season 6 are released.
For all those over the age of 18, be sure to remember your IDs because this theatre likes its drinking games. More often than not, the game is to drink whenever Cersei Lanister appears on screen with a glass of wine; it’s a task for even heavy weights.
However, the owners like to switch it up every now and again to give the viewers something new to drink to. It can be anything from “Anytime a dragon acts like a spoiled teenage girl,” to “Each time you hear Hodor say his own name.” Either way, you’ll be smashed by the end of the showing.
This dinner theater is also interactive, meaning viewer participation is required, so keep these simple rules in mind to fully immerse yourself in the experience:
Parting Note: Become A Grounder
Most people stay aboveground when they come to London and don’t even realize they’re missing out on such an integral part of the city. Don’t be just another tourist. Visit one, two, or all three of these attractions and let people know that you are a real “grounder,” unafraid of the bowels of the city. More attractions are being dug out all the time, so keep your ear to the cobblestones and make the most of The Underground before your trip’s end.
Trafalgar Square Pub
The lion statues and elaborate fountains are only half of what Trafalgar Square has to offer. The rest, and best, lies beneath all the pomp and circumstance. Trafalgar Square Pub, also known fondly as “The Bunker,” is the favorite pub of Westminster and is directly under the square itself. Here, locals and tourists alike can spend too much money on drinks and get pissed while playing darts or talking politics. Despite the pub’s wide selection of alcohol, most people stick to the house drinks because of their novelty and their particular relevance to the pub’s location. The list follows:
- Mane of the Lion – This drink is a combination of Goldschlager cinnamon schnapps and Grey Goose vodka. Once you get it down, you’ll feel the burn like a roar at the back of your throat.
- Charlie Horse – Named for the statue memorializing Charles I, this drink combines a ½ ounce of Jim Beam bourbon whiskey and a ½ ounce of amaretto almond liqueur. Drink this if you’re looking to establish your dominance.
- The Admiral’s Shaft – Asking the bartender for this drink will get you a glass of straight Courvoisier and a short straw. Do not try to be manly and shoot it back. This drink was made for slow, patient sips. If you’d like, go find the X marking Nelson’s Column and salute the admiral himself.
- Bloody Queen Mary – This drink should be familiar to even the occasional drinker; however, this Trafalgar Square edition is slightly different. Although the ingredients are the same — Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, vodka, pepper, lemon juice, salt, and tomato juice — it’s accompanied by its own set of rules. Once you begin drinking, you have eight seconds to finish your drink. When your time’s up, you must stand up and sing the phrase “God Save the Queen” in your loudest voice. If the bartender approves, you get another house drink for free, but only if you actually finished your Bloody Queen Mary.
- Pigeon Poop – This drink may look unappetizing, but I promise it’s delicious. With its mixture of coffee tequila and Bailey’s Irish Cream, you will be calling out for another as soon as you finish your first.
On the ceiling, you’ll find Xs marking the locations of the statues and figures above. A popular pastime for the pub’s patrons is to find the location of the statue their drink is named for and take a selfie beneath it. The pub asks its visitors to use the hashtag #TSPub in order to help promote and stimulate the business, but most people just tag it #BunkerBuzz or #DamnAdmiral instead.
There’s only one entrance and exit to the pub (in direct contrast to fire safety protocols), inside the Charing Cross Station. At a point between all the hustle and bustle of foot traffic, there’s a tunnel with a sign that says emergency exit only. What makes this sign stand out from other emergency signs is its purple color. The signs that lead to an actual emergency exit are always lime green. Once you begin following these signs, you’ll be led to a tunnel that lets out right beneath the Square itself.
NOTE: If in an actual emergency, DO NOT follow the purple emergency exit sign, unless you’d like to be trapped beneath a giant column commemorating Admiral Nelson.
The Shard’s Negative Floors
If you’ve traveled anywhere around London, I’m sure you’ve seen the large glass structure called The Shard. With its 73 aboveground floors, The Shard pierces the sky with impressive precision, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Below the ground floor lies 284 more, with tours and attractions for all willing to pay £50 fee. This fee allows you to traverse the lower floors at your leisure, and the ticket allows you to return for the remainder of the month. If you’d like a more frugal option, you can go for the £12.99 package, which allows you access to the last three floors and the top three floors. I’d recommend the larger package; it’s a better deal for your pounds.
–284th Floor:
Some people may say that a ball pit for adults is ridiculous. It’s at that moment that you slap these people in the face with the findings of Professor Hildebrand-Stewart of Oxford University. He states that in order to bring down stress and tension levels, all employed men and women need time away from work to do something relaxing and enjoyable. What’s more enjoyable than a nice prance through a room filled halfway with plastic balls?
As this is an adult-only ball pit, the age requirement for this floor is 18. This way, you don’t have to worry about stepping on small children, snot rockets, or drool pools, only blissful play where adults can finally let out their big boy and girl trousers. However, please do not take this literally. The ball pit requires all patrons to wear trousers, shirts, and socks before acceptance onto the floor.
–111th Floor:
If you’re looking to get tipsy at noon, look no further. As most men and women know, wine is essential if you’re going to get through an average day, and The Shard’s staff is well equipped to handle this need. On this floor you will find an exclusive wine tasting and dining experience. In tours of four people, you will be taken through Europe by your taste buds. Wine from Italy, France, Spain, and more will grace your lips and steadily increase your blood-alcohol level. Once you reach the end of the tour, you will be taken to a small store where you can purchase your favorite(s). That cabernet from Naples not in stock? Have it shipped to your home for an extra £30.
If interested, you could take a seat at the adjoining restaurant, Les Foods, and grab a quick meal to accompany the wine you’ve bought. Your waiter will be sure to match your cuisine with your wine’s country of origin. In order to prevent people from drunkenly stumbling through The Shard’s main doors at 3:00 p.m., they insist that all wine tasters have a BAC level below 0.8 to leave the building. Until then, you can explore the other floors, or even make a second trip through the wine tasting. You can go there a maximum of three times a day before they deny you entrance and send you to the –25th floor where you’ll be forced to sit in a giant bean bag with an IV drip to hydrate you and flush out the toxins.
–7th Floor:
This floor holds the arcade, bar, and casino. It’s where you go to test your luck, get drunk, and then test it again. If you feel up to it, take some time to visit the arcade and waste some money earning tickets that will only get you a small water gun from the bottom shelf. I’m sure some kid ten years your junior will show you up in Skee Ball and make you rethink all your life choices, but don’t take it too hard. You could cream him in beer pong.
If you’d rather play with the adults, stick to the Blackjack and Texas Hold ‘em tables. The dealers will help you out if you tip them well, but don’t say I told you so. For a tip under five pounds, they’ll raise an eyebrow your way and make sure you lose on purpose. A £20 note will get you a little more luck than your neighbors, while a £50 note can guarantee you at least five wins. But be careful; you don’t want to get caught if you’re going to attempt bribery. It’s heavily frowned upon and will get you escorted to the ground floor by security guards. If you’re planning to bribe your dealer, remember these three signals. Thumb your nose as you sit down to let you dealer know you plan on tipping him. Messing with your hair or beard means you’re ready to hand over the big notes. Tapping your fingers on the table in an irritated fashion lets the dealer know you’re unhappy with the result of your hand and would like to rescind your earlier thumbed nose.
Carl’s Wittle Westeros Dinner Theatre
Carl’s Theatres exist in all of London’s movie rental stores. Started by an avid nerd named Carl in the 90s, Carl’s Theatres are a staple of the city. However, as renting movies fell out of fashion, so did these theatres. As fewer people went to the stores, the less they heard about the theaters. Now, only a few treasured fossils survive.
If you happen upon one of these ancient gems, walk around and try to find a VHS copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It may be hidden, so be diligent in your search. Look on every shelf, in the bathroom cabinets, in the drawers. I’ve heard of them putting the tape in the cashier’s pocket before, but I’ve never witnessed this myself. (I wouldn’t go rooting around in there if I were you). When you find the tape, pat yourself on the back and hand it to the person manning the register. They’ll say the phrase, “Valar Morghulis” (“All men must die”) to which you must reply, “Valar Dohaeirs” (“All men must serve”) if you wish to receive a ticket. Once you’ve done everything as I say, you will be on your way to visiting one of the best shows in town.
Each theatre has its own theme. The best one by far is Wittle Westeros in Westminster. Located in the basement of a long abandoned rental store with the unfortunate name of Rent Me Cheap, this theatre became especially popular after the HBO series Game of Thrones made its debut. Before, only those hipsters who knew about it before it was cool came to the theatre and argued over what actors should be cast to play the parts of their favorite characters and snubbed the mere idea of a mainstream television show. Now, tickets are gone within hours after the store opens.
After getting your ticket and returning to Rent Me Cheap after closing, tap on the glass doors to the tune of Game of Thrones’ opening song. Someone will be waiting inside to punch your ticket and let you into the theater downstairs. Be warned, this specific location requires you to dress up. You can go as your favorite character from the show or just find a costume that fits the medieval time period. If you do not dress to code, you will be given a name tag that says “Dwarf” and will be forced to endure ridicule for the entirety of the showing. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, put some extra thought into your costume.
Upon arrival, each ticket-holder will receive a box of popcorn, a large soda, and a package of candy. All first timers, fondly called virgins, are given a large red ‘V’ sticker to attach to their chests. Before the show starts, all virgins will be called to the front and told to stand in a line. The virgins are given a different task each night. The thing most often asked of them is to give their best impression of Cersei’s face whenever Robert Baratheon tried to sleep with her.
Once everyone has arrived and grabbed their concessions, the lights dim and the show begins, usually consisting of a few episodes from one of the five seasons that have already aired. Starting April 25th, the theatre will be hosting viewing parties every Sunday night as the new episodes from season 6 are released.
For all those over the age of 18, be sure to remember your IDs because this theatre likes its drinking games. More often than not, the game is to drink whenever Cersei Lanister appears on screen with a glass of wine; it’s a task for even heavy weights.
However, the owners like to switch it up every now and again to give the viewers something new to drink to. It can be anything from “Anytime a dragon acts like a spoiled teenage girl,” to “Each time you hear Hodor say his own name.” Either way, you’ll be smashed by the end of the showing.
This dinner theater is also interactive, meaning viewer participation is required, so keep these simple rules in mind to fully immerse yourself in the experience:
- Boo every time Joffery appears on screen no matter the circumstance. If he’s already dead, boo whenever he’s mentioned. The same can be said for Ramsay Snow. However, you can also shout “Bastard!” when he appears.
- Shout, “Sod Off, George!” when a favorite or beloved character dies. You can throw popcorn if this character’s death was especially heartbreaking.
- When an especially annoying or hated character dies, feel free to cheer and celebrate. Some people even shout the well-known phrase “Valar Morghulis!”
- If you’re next to a virgin during a sex scene, go out of your way to shield their eyes. Use your hand, arm, or foot if you must. If a virgin yourself, you can shout “My virgin eyes!” and cover your face with your hands.
Parting Note: Become A Grounder
Most people stay aboveground when they come to London and don’t even realize they’re missing out on such an integral part of the city. Don’t be just another tourist. Visit one, two, or all three of these attractions and let people know that you are a real “grounder,” unafraid of the bowels of the city. More attractions are being dug out all the time, so keep your ear to the cobblestones and make the most of The Underground before your trip’s end.
About AshleighAshleigh Ray is a rising Senior at Eckerd College studying Creative Writing and Literature. When she isn't swamped with school work, she enjoys reading novels and writing her own. Although she may not be the most proficient with photography and art, she dabbles in both occasionally. Her goal is to one day become a best-selling author, but until then, she's content with cuddling her puppies and playing video games with her nephews.
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