The path of worship has percolated through the bowels of history to form a miasma of faith and spirituality based in all manner of delusions.
The Crusades
The story of the Crusades is fairly well known. The Byzantines, enraged by the flagrant religious tolerance and egregious lack of xenophobia exhibited by the expanding Islamic empire, decided that enough was enough. They gained the support of Pope Urban II, enlisted several French and English kings, and spent half a millennium (starting in 1096) correcting the heinous humanitarianism of the Seljuk Turks by murdering every non-Christian they could get their hands on.
At home in London, however, things were different. With the noblest of men away raping and pillaging in the name of Christ, the remaining citizens were forced to adapt. One particular sect grew out of a collection of behaviors based in secular motivations, but the citizens’ passion for the rituals grew to the point of spirituality, and an entire faith was based around the following practices.
For the first months of the Crusades, the absence of able-bodied agrarian workers caused a nosedive in food production for the city. One particular month saw such desperation that anyone who was seen eating during daylight hours would be immediately swarmed for his or her bread. As such, those who could afford sustenance began consuming it only during the dark hours before dawn and after dusk. Eventually, food production picked up once again, but it became ritual to replicate these conditions for a month each year in order to honor the struggle of those fighting abroad and relieve the burdens of those working overtime in the fields to keep the city up and running.
After this period of moral bankruptcy, which saw neighbors mauling neighbors for crumbs, an era of generosity blossomed out of repentance. It grew common for people to try and one-up each other in their charity, which reached its climax when an innocent beggar was accidentally pelted to death with coins hurled by a mob desperate to prove their generosity. After this event, the giving ebbed somewhat, and people chose to take a less bloody route with their kindness: prayer, a method that was imagined to be just as effective in helpfulness but required no true selflessness.
The name of their God came from a phrase that grew popular during the hard times: “All o’ the best are away.” It was first used as a general hand-waving explanation for any day-to-day inconveniences caused by the absence of the Crusaders. However, from there it grew to be a general goodbye as a caution to be wary upon parting; its use was then expanded to greeting as a reminder to be content with whatever lackluster conversation was available in the absence of one’s preferred companions. Eventually it evolved into an all-purpose phrase so ubiquitous that it was shortened into the name of their patron deity, “Alloh.”
Finally, as soon as a young boy reached the age at which he could fight, he was sent off to join the Holy War. In order to motivate youths to lay down their lives, the pilgrimage was treated with great pomp and circumstance and grew to be regarded as a vital rite of passage.
As such, the Crusaders returned home from slaughtering Muslims and were marginally astonished to find their wives and children practicing Islam. This was hastily corrected by order of the Pope, and the embarrassing misstep was swept under the prayer rugs and quickly forgotten.
Borrowed Gods
The recent centuries have seen an enormous and somewhat involuntary exodus of gods from their native lands to the central London area. The British Museum’s acquisition of various temples, tablets, and other objects of worship wrenched the deities tied to those objects away from their homelands and imprisoned them in the city. Because of this, the new London pantheon is made up of a ragtag team of gods from diverse backgrounds. However, even the most volatile gods are, at their cores, creatures of habit. They run on ritual and hierarchy, and as London is a city built on bus schedules and clock towers, the gods are relatively at ease here. Therefore it takes only a basic familiarity with their habits and interests to pinpoint their locations.
Isis, former Egyptian Goddess of the Sky, has founded the Grandiose Opposition to the Disgusting Domination of Eternally Sacred Societies Society (G.O.D.D.E.S.S.), which seeks to overthrow the British Empire and restore its colonies to their former glory. She, Horus, Athena, and several other deities spend much of their time arguing over the best types of bird to use for military symbolism. In 2006 they formulated an attempt to assassinate the Queen, but their plans fell through due to an unforeseen shortage of crocodiles in the central London area. These days the meetings often end in chaos, because anytime anyone mentions Paris, Athena flips over the table and storms out of the room. Zeus’s consult is often requested at these meetings, but he prefers to pass the hours by playing his favorite game, “Which Animal Should I Turn Into to Impregnate That Museumgoer?”
Bacchus, tired of listening to his fellow gods complain about imperialism, wandered out of the museum and into the street several centuries ago, where a pub conveniently happened to be constructed around him. He has been pugnaciously drunk since 1826, and since then has groped approximately 2,608,290 behinds: male, female and everything in between. These days his preferred form includes an undercut, button down shirt, an undergraduate degree in sports medicine, and a new six-figure job at the hospital where his father works.
The Lamassu, two gigantic human-headed lions, were engaged in a turf war with the Trafalgar Square lions for several decades. Most nights they would sneak away from their post guarding the Assyrian section of the British Museum and creep into the Square with the goal of establishing dominance. They would attempt to snap their fingers in menacing synchronization as they approached but found themselves unable to do so, due to their enormous stone paws. The Trafalgar Square lions found themselves similarly inept, and eventually the two prides united in their quest for musical excellence. They now have plans to start a barbershop sextet and go busking as well as to protest the refusal of The Lyceum Theater to use actual lions in the productions of The Lion King.
Science and Faith
The Church of Scientonomy is one of the most popular and respected modern institutions in Great Britain. It began with the visitation of its first Prophet, Francis Bacon, by a divine force of genius. Bacon transcribed the words of this mysterious force and published them in a world-changing work, Novum Organum. This first holy text of Scientonomy laid out the basis for what eventually became the Scientific Method and gained Brother Bacon a plethora of followers. The apostles of this Church live their lives according to the teachings of its past disciples’ greatest works, a few of which are presented below.
Newton’s Three Laws of Motion: the first of which states that objects at rest will stay at rest unless an outside force is applied to them. Thusly, no man shall rise from his bed in the morning by his own volition; he must instead be launched to his feet (or into the nearest wall) by an alarm-clock-cum-catapult mechanism invented by Newton himself.
Dalton’s Four Atomic Commandments: the first of which dictates that everything is made of atoms and that atoms are indivisible and indestructible. Thus, every man must, on the date of Dalton’s birth, gather up all of his material belongings and bring them to the nearest branch of the Church. Once the local parish’s stuff has been compiled, sledgehammers are distributed, and the disciples go about demolishing everything their fellow man owns in order to symbolize the comparative indestructibility of atoms.
The Four Laws of Thermodynamics: the not-oft-discussed zeroth of which states that if any two systems are in thermal equilibrium independently with a third system, they must be in thermal equilibrium with each other; this has been adapted into one of the Universal Golden Rules for Threesomes.
For the most part, the Church’s primary belief (that its teachings can be revised and retroactively corrected as new information refutes them) has allowed it to defy nonbelievers throughout its history. The greatest risk to its unity was the Great Quantum Schism, in which a team of quantum physicists got together, wrote 95 graduate school theses, and nailed them to the door of the original Church of Scientonomy. This battle rages on today, and each disciple of the church is forced to take a side. However, due to the nature of the argument in question, people often find themselves existing on both sides simultaneously, a matter that makes debate extremely difficult.
Modern Faith and You
Obviously, religion in London is a delicate and complex subject. There are countless ways to offend and delight within this context, and in order to avoid angering anyone, it is best just to avoid the topic altogether or use a general phrase such as, “The Lord, whose existence and identity cannot be proven or disproven by any conventional means, works in ways that could theoretically be described using adjectives.” As long as such stiff upper lip behaviors are adopted, there is nothing to fear.
The Crusades
The story of the Crusades is fairly well known. The Byzantines, enraged by the flagrant religious tolerance and egregious lack of xenophobia exhibited by the expanding Islamic empire, decided that enough was enough. They gained the support of Pope Urban II, enlisted several French and English kings, and spent half a millennium (starting in 1096) correcting the heinous humanitarianism of the Seljuk Turks by murdering every non-Christian they could get their hands on.
At home in London, however, things were different. With the noblest of men away raping and pillaging in the name of Christ, the remaining citizens were forced to adapt. One particular sect grew out of a collection of behaviors based in secular motivations, but the citizens’ passion for the rituals grew to the point of spirituality, and an entire faith was based around the following practices.
For the first months of the Crusades, the absence of able-bodied agrarian workers caused a nosedive in food production for the city. One particular month saw such desperation that anyone who was seen eating during daylight hours would be immediately swarmed for his or her bread. As such, those who could afford sustenance began consuming it only during the dark hours before dawn and after dusk. Eventually, food production picked up once again, but it became ritual to replicate these conditions for a month each year in order to honor the struggle of those fighting abroad and relieve the burdens of those working overtime in the fields to keep the city up and running.
After this period of moral bankruptcy, which saw neighbors mauling neighbors for crumbs, an era of generosity blossomed out of repentance. It grew common for people to try and one-up each other in their charity, which reached its climax when an innocent beggar was accidentally pelted to death with coins hurled by a mob desperate to prove their generosity. After this event, the giving ebbed somewhat, and people chose to take a less bloody route with their kindness: prayer, a method that was imagined to be just as effective in helpfulness but required no true selflessness.
The name of their God came from a phrase that grew popular during the hard times: “All o’ the best are away.” It was first used as a general hand-waving explanation for any day-to-day inconveniences caused by the absence of the Crusaders. However, from there it grew to be a general goodbye as a caution to be wary upon parting; its use was then expanded to greeting as a reminder to be content with whatever lackluster conversation was available in the absence of one’s preferred companions. Eventually it evolved into an all-purpose phrase so ubiquitous that it was shortened into the name of their patron deity, “Alloh.”
Finally, as soon as a young boy reached the age at which he could fight, he was sent off to join the Holy War. In order to motivate youths to lay down their lives, the pilgrimage was treated with great pomp and circumstance and grew to be regarded as a vital rite of passage.
As such, the Crusaders returned home from slaughtering Muslims and were marginally astonished to find their wives and children practicing Islam. This was hastily corrected by order of the Pope, and the embarrassing misstep was swept under the prayer rugs and quickly forgotten.
Borrowed Gods
The recent centuries have seen an enormous and somewhat involuntary exodus of gods from their native lands to the central London area. The British Museum’s acquisition of various temples, tablets, and other objects of worship wrenched the deities tied to those objects away from their homelands and imprisoned them in the city. Because of this, the new London pantheon is made up of a ragtag team of gods from diverse backgrounds. However, even the most volatile gods are, at their cores, creatures of habit. They run on ritual and hierarchy, and as London is a city built on bus schedules and clock towers, the gods are relatively at ease here. Therefore it takes only a basic familiarity with their habits and interests to pinpoint their locations.
Isis, former Egyptian Goddess of the Sky, has founded the Grandiose Opposition to the Disgusting Domination of Eternally Sacred Societies Society (G.O.D.D.E.S.S.), which seeks to overthrow the British Empire and restore its colonies to their former glory. She, Horus, Athena, and several other deities spend much of their time arguing over the best types of bird to use for military symbolism. In 2006 they formulated an attempt to assassinate the Queen, but their plans fell through due to an unforeseen shortage of crocodiles in the central London area. These days the meetings often end in chaos, because anytime anyone mentions Paris, Athena flips over the table and storms out of the room. Zeus’s consult is often requested at these meetings, but he prefers to pass the hours by playing his favorite game, “Which Animal Should I Turn Into to Impregnate That Museumgoer?”
Bacchus, tired of listening to his fellow gods complain about imperialism, wandered out of the museum and into the street several centuries ago, where a pub conveniently happened to be constructed around him. He has been pugnaciously drunk since 1826, and since then has groped approximately 2,608,290 behinds: male, female and everything in between. These days his preferred form includes an undercut, button down shirt, an undergraduate degree in sports medicine, and a new six-figure job at the hospital where his father works.
The Lamassu, two gigantic human-headed lions, were engaged in a turf war with the Trafalgar Square lions for several decades. Most nights they would sneak away from their post guarding the Assyrian section of the British Museum and creep into the Square with the goal of establishing dominance. They would attempt to snap their fingers in menacing synchronization as they approached but found themselves unable to do so, due to their enormous stone paws. The Trafalgar Square lions found themselves similarly inept, and eventually the two prides united in their quest for musical excellence. They now have plans to start a barbershop sextet and go busking as well as to protest the refusal of The Lyceum Theater to use actual lions in the productions of The Lion King.
Science and Faith
The Church of Scientonomy is one of the most popular and respected modern institutions in Great Britain. It began with the visitation of its first Prophet, Francis Bacon, by a divine force of genius. Bacon transcribed the words of this mysterious force and published them in a world-changing work, Novum Organum. This first holy text of Scientonomy laid out the basis for what eventually became the Scientific Method and gained Brother Bacon a plethora of followers. The apostles of this Church live their lives according to the teachings of its past disciples’ greatest works, a few of which are presented below.
Newton’s Three Laws of Motion: the first of which states that objects at rest will stay at rest unless an outside force is applied to them. Thusly, no man shall rise from his bed in the morning by his own volition; he must instead be launched to his feet (or into the nearest wall) by an alarm-clock-cum-catapult mechanism invented by Newton himself.
Dalton’s Four Atomic Commandments: the first of which dictates that everything is made of atoms and that atoms are indivisible and indestructible. Thus, every man must, on the date of Dalton’s birth, gather up all of his material belongings and bring them to the nearest branch of the Church. Once the local parish’s stuff has been compiled, sledgehammers are distributed, and the disciples go about demolishing everything their fellow man owns in order to symbolize the comparative indestructibility of atoms.
The Four Laws of Thermodynamics: the not-oft-discussed zeroth of which states that if any two systems are in thermal equilibrium independently with a third system, they must be in thermal equilibrium with each other; this has been adapted into one of the Universal Golden Rules for Threesomes.
For the most part, the Church’s primary belief (that its teachings can be revised and retroactively corrected as new information refutes them) has allowed it to defy nonbelievers throughout its history. The greatest risk to its unity was the Great Quantum Schism, in which a team of quantum physicists got together, wrote 95 graduate school theses, and nailed them to the door of the original Church of Scientonomy. This battle rages on today, and each disciple of the church is forced to take a side. However, due to the nature of the argument in question, people often find themselves existing on both sides simultaneously, a matter that makes debate extremely difficult.
Modern Faith and You
Obviously, religion in London is a delicate and complex subject. There are countless ways to offend and delight within this context, and in order to avoid angering anyone, it is best just to avoid the topic altogether or use a general phrase such as, “The Lord, whose existence and identity cannot be proven or disproven by any conventional means, works in ways that could theoretically be described using adjectives.” As long as such stiff upper lip behaviors are adopted, there is nothing to fear.
About CarinaCarina Graham is from Washington, D.C. and studies Molecular Biology and Creative Writing at Eckerd College. Currently, she manages the 35 Gower Street Fantasy Pub Brawl Team. For information on upcoming matches and player stats, please visit ectealguidetolondon.weebly.com/brokenbottleleague.
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