The Past
The earliest form of currency in the United Kingdom was the Palace Geese, which the kings of Great Britain would use to purchase the lands, loyalty, and soldiers of the lords. These geese, known for their glossy, plastic appearance and smug attitude, were used by the nobility to trade for wheat and Guinness. However, this system broke down when a generation of goslings turned out to be inbred, imperfect creatures with extra limbs and missing eyes that could not possibly be used by the Royal Family. These geese, violent and loud, were released and run out of the country. They later killed off the rest of their own species, replacing them in all areas of the wild and uncivilized world. Back in England, the economy collapsed and the royal family lost power and prestige as their main source of income flew the coop, marking the beginning of the Foul Fowl Depression of 1513.
The king of England, unnerved by the collapse, realized that poultry could not sustain an economy as its currency. As such, he invented the first series of square metal coins, called ounces. Each ounce, made from copper, was given a mark to define its worth. Ounces inscribed with the crest of the royal family were worth the most, and were usually only found in the hands of the upper class. The coins with a goose’s head struck onto the surface were the most common and therefore the least valuable; even the lowest classes always had at least a few on their persons.
This form of currency was also not without flaws as well. Around the same time as its development, electricity was becoming much more vital in the city of London. With such development came the need for large amounts of copper. So much, in fact, that copper became worth more than the coins it was used to create. Banks would sell the copper coins by the hundreds, even cutting corners, and selling those corners for extra profit at the expense of the people. Riots broke out, and multiple bankers lost their lives and checkbooks to pitchforks and torches.
Afterward came a long line of varying currency systems. Some were in use much longer than others, and a few didn’t last longer than a week. During this period, the longest recognized form of currency was a series of wooden chips. Used for over fifty years, these chips were enameled in tin, and were popular for their light weight and comparable ease of counterfeiting. Most families had at least one member who would carve such wooden chips daily. This constant, massive increase in chips ultimately caused another collapse of the British economy. In an effort to keep this collapse from swallowing up all of the United Kingdom, the Prime Minister decided to burn every wooden chip in the city of London. Unfortunately, the fire raged out of control, taking with it most of London. This was later blamed on a bakery fire and swept under the rug. The true cause of The Great Fire has since been greatly controlled and has only recently become public knowledge. The family owners of said bakery were finally compensated in 1998 with over five thousand wooden chips, worth around thirty pounds.
Finally came the creation of the modern pound and pence coins, whose worth comes from a combination of size, shape, and color. Accompanied by paper notes, this form of currency spread around Britain like the fire that made it possible, quickly gaining multiple mints and presses that pumped out hundreds to replace the lost wealth. And yet, because of the history of lousy service from banks in London, as well as fear of fire, most citizens chose to carry all of their money with them at all times, weighing them down and creating bad posture and neck pain.
The Present
Today there is a single currency across all of England. For the most part, the people are happy with it. It isn’t perfect, but as of the beginning of 2016, the pound is stronger than the euro and the American dollar and is easily identifiable as a symbol of English currency. Londoners have slowly begun to trust their local banks again, which has allowed the debit card to become more popular. People from all walks of life have been using debit and credit cards for over a decade now, creating an entirely new culture of currency.
The younger generation, sometimes referred to as “millennials,” have taken to “decking out” their cards with “funky: designs and “cool” nicknames. One of the most popular things nowadays is to share the “awesome” appearance of one’s card on the internet. Every day, more and more teenagers are taking pictures of their debit cards and uploading them to Facebook and Twitter, showing off their style to friends, family, or even total strangers, asking to compare the codes and CVC numbers.
Some analysts believe that internet currency is the future, and there is a powerful amount of evidence to support this conclusion. People no longer need to carry around checks they can’t cash or bills that can be ripped or torn. Plastic squares are now the cornerstone of the modern wallet. Most analysts suspect that, in time, this too will be replaced with an even more superfluous form of money.
As we move our money from banks, from our pockets, and to the internet, we have found entirely new forms of thievery and deceit: Pay-To-Play games. These games are usually completely free to play, as long as the player doesn’t mind waiting two or three days for any progress to be made. The catch is that you can also purchase game currency that speeds up the process, cutting down the wait time by the amount of pounds spent. This new form of money cannot be transferred or changed back into pounds and instead becomes stuck, forcing the user to either spend it or waste it. While spending it risks addiction to the game, not spending means wasting the money. Londoners face this problem every day, as they are caught between wanting to entertain themselves on the Tube, and not wanting to spend a fortune.
The Future
Currency is changing. Thousands of years ago, currency was considered to be something you could trade for something you needed. Hundreds of years ago, currency became known as a handful of coins that you could use to buy stale loaves of bread. Now, currency comes in thousands of pounds or even tens of thousands. In the future, analysts speculate that money will be completely owned by private companies and the rights of free trade and open markets will vanish without a trace. There will be Boots Bucks and Mickey D’s Dollars. Each company will pay their workers in their own form of currency, forcing the employees to become part of a destructive system. Families will be forced to diversify, working in fields of customer service, fast food, pharmaceuticals, and other small shops in order to bring home supplies for their loved ones. Jobs at WalMart and Target will become invaluable, as they have a diverse selection of products. Every day, lines of men and women will wait and hope to be chosen as the cashiers of the future.
This will then force the companies of the world to become static, unchanging entities, as larger, more diverse businesses chew up smaller ones. Boots will take over the land of Wales as they fight the new kingdom of Salisbury, the country once known as Scotland, which will then house roaming clans of industry, fighting the tyranny of big business and unfair legislature. The Irish will refuse to go down as they destroy their stores, live off the land, and buy their deodorants from thrift shops. By 2077 WalMart will launch nuclear bombs, at Target. The chain reaction will prove devastating as supermarket conglomerates around the world attack without conscience or morality. Only two companies will survive, to rebuild from the ashes of corporate espionage and open food fighting. Ferrero, the UK manufacturer, hiding within their own Kinder Surprises, and Tesco’s Twinkies, whose documented ability to survive nuclear attacks will allow them to survive everything. In the wake of such unprecedented disaster, Kinder and Twinkies will be forced to use the only life left as their new form of currency: deranged, violent, mutant geese.
The earliest form of currency in the United Kingdom was the Palace Geese, which the kings of Great Britain would use to purchase the lands, loyalty, and soldiers of the lords. These geese, known for their glossy, plastic appearance and smug attitude, were used by the nobility to trade for wheat and Guinness. However, this system broke down when a generation of goslings turned out to be inbred, imperfect creatures with extra limbs and missing eyes that could not possibly be used by the Royal Family. These geese, violent and loud, were released and run out of the country. They later killed off the rest of their own species, replacing them in all areas of the wild and uncivilized world. Back in England, the economy collapsed and the royal family lost power and prestige as their main source of income flew the coop, marking the beginning of the Foul Fowl Depression of 1513.
The king of England, unnerved by the collapse, realized that poultry could not sustain an economy as its currency. As such, he invented the first series of square metal coins, called ounces. Each ounce, made from copper, was given a mark to define its worth. Ounces inscribed with the crest of the royal family were worth the most, and were usually only found in the hands of the upper class. The coins with a goose’s head struck onto the surface were the most common and therefore the least valuable; even the lowest classes always had at least a few on their persons.
This form of currency was also not without flaws as well. Around the same time as its development, electricity was becoming much more vital in the city of London. With such development came the need for large amounts of copper. So much, in fact, that copper became worth more than the coins it was used to create. Banks would sell the copper coins by the hundreds, even cutting corners, and selling those corners for extra profit at the expense of the people. Riots broke out, and multiple bankers lost their lives and checkbooks to pitchforks and torches.
Afterward came a long line of varying currency systems. Some were in use much longer than others, and a few didn’t last longer than a week. During this period, the longest recognized form of currency was a series of wooden chips. Used for over fifty years, these chips were enameled in tin, and were popular for their light weight and comparable ease of counterfeiting. Most families had at least one member who would carve such wooden chips daily. This constant, massive increase in chips ultimately caused another collapse of the British economy. In an effort to keep this collapse from swallowing up all of the United Kingdom, the Prime Minister decided to burn every wooden chip in the city of London. Unfortunately, the fire raged out of control, taking with it most of London. This was later blamed on a bakery fire and swept under the rug. The true cause of The Great Fire has since been greatly controlled and has only recently become public knowledge. The family owners of said bakery were finally compensated in 1998 with over five thousand wooden chips, worth around thirty pounds.
Finally came the creation of the modern pound and pence coins, whose worth comes from a combination of size, shape, and color. Accompanied by paper notes, this form of currency spread around Britain like the fire that made it possible, quickly gaining multiple mints and presses that pumped out hundreds to replace the lost wealth. And yet, because of the history of lousy service from banks in London, as well as fear of fire, most citizens chose to carry all of their money with them at all times, weighing them down and creating bad posture and neck pain.
The Present
Today there is a single currency across all of England. For the most part, the people are happy with it. It isn’t perfect, but as of the beginning of 2016, the pound is stronger than the euro and the American dollar and is easily identifiable as a symbol of English currency. Londoners have slowly begun to trust their local banks again, which has allowed the debit card to become more popular. People from all walks of life have been using debit and credit cards for over a decade now, creating an entirely new culture of currency.
The younger generation, sometimes referred to as “millennials,” have taken to “decking out” their cards with “funky: designs and “cool” nicknames. One of the most popular things nowadays is to share the “awesome” appearance of one’s card on the internet. Every day, more and more teenagers are taking pictures of their debit cards and uploading them to Facebook and Twitter, showing off their style to friends, family, or even total strangers, asking to compare the codes and CVC numbers.
Some analysts believe that internet currency is the future, and there is a powerful amount of evidence to support this conclusion. People no longer need to carry around checks they can’t cash or bills that can be ripped or torn. Plastic squares are now the cornerstone of the modern wallet. Most analysts suspect that, in time, this too will be replaced with an even more superfluous form of money.
As we move our money from banks, from our pockets, and to the internet, we have found entirely new forms of thievery and deceit: Pay-To-Play games. These games are usually completely free to play, as long as the player doesn’t mind waiting two or three days for any progress to be made. The catch is that you can also purchase game currency that speeds up the process, cutting down the wait time by the amount of pounds spent. This new form of money cannot be transferred or changed back into pounds and instead becomes stuck, forcing the user to either spend it or waste it. While spending it risks addiction to the game, not spending means wasting the money. Londoners face this problem every day, as they are caught between wanting to entertain themselves on the Tube, and not wanting to spend a fortune.
The Future
Currency is changing. Thousands of years ago, currency was considered to be something you could trade for something you needed. Hundreds of years ago, currency became known as a handful of coins that you could use to buy stale loaves of bread. Now, currency comes in thousands of pounds or even tens of thousands. In the future, analysts speculate that money will be completely owned by private companies and the rights of free trade and open markets will vanish without a trace. There will be Boots Bucks and Mickey D’s Dollars. Each company will pay their workers in their own form of currency, forcing the employees to become part of a destructive system. Families will be forced to diversify, working in fields of customer service, fast food, pharmaceuticals, and other small shops in order to bring home supplies for their loved ones. Jobs at WalMart and Target will become invaluable, as they have a diverse selection of products. Every day, lines of men and women will wait and hope to be chosen as the cashiers of the future.
This will then force the companies of the world to become static, unchanging entities, as larger, more diverse businesses chew up smaller ones. Boots will take over the land of Wales as they fight the new kingdom of Salisbury, the country once known as Scotland, which will then house roaming clans of industry, fighting the tyranny of big business and unfair legislature. The Irish will refuse to go down as they destroy their stores, live off the land, and buy their deodorants from thrift shops. By 2077 WalMart will launch nuclear bombs, at Target. The chain reaction will prove devastating as supermarket conglomerates around the world attack without conscience or morality. Only two companies will survive, to rebuild from the ashes of corporate espionage and open food fighting. Ferrero, the UK manufacturer, hiding within their own Kinder Surprises, and Tesco’s Twinkies, whose documented ability to survive nuclear attacks will allow them to survive everything. In the wake of such unprecedented disaster, Kinder and Twinkies will be forced to use the only life left as their new form of currency: deranged, violent, mutant geese.