Time in London
By: Carina Graham
In London, each mode of transportation runs on its own independent time stream, a phenomenon that has baffled theoretical physicists for decades. The most easily understood time stream is TubeTime®, which runs in the Underground. The rate of this time stream has a simple inverse relationship with the rush of the Tube passengers. To calculate the current rate of TubeTime®, simply sum up the number of minutes that each Tube passenger is late, divide that by the number of passengers, and use the handy graph* below to see how slowly TubeTime® is running in relation to the rest of the city. For example, when the passengers are collectively running a mean 5 minutes late, then TubeTime® is running 0.2X the rest of the city, or five times slower.
NOTE: the vertical asymptote at x = 0 allows for rare exceptions. There have been a few isolated incidents of TubeTime® ceasing entirely for certain individuals. When this happens, they cross into a zone existing outside of time, referred to colloquially as “The Gap.” When this occurs, the victims are quietly collected by the Bureau of Time Anomalies, painted various colors, dressed in costumes, and installed at Trafalgar Square, where their transcendence of the space-time continuum makes them appear to float in midair. In order to avoid slipping into The Gap, it is best to plan your Tube journeys with plenty of time to dawdle. If this is not possible, consider how little it would matter if you missed your train, which should reaccelerate TubeTime®.
Aboveground, things get more complicated. For example, on the first and third Monday of each month, buses run on Double-Decker Standard Time, which is thrice the speed of General Bike Time, which is itself one and a half times slower than Central Cab Time, the rate of which is doubled only for cabs on the seventh Tuesday of every month, and for the entirety of the twelve days of Christmas (or twelve and a half days, depending on which type of vehicle you spend most of your time in). This is admittedly difficult to keep track of, which leads to countless near-collisions every day. If you ever witness an accident (or, Queen forbid, are involved in one) please try to remain calm and be sure to exchange information on which time stream each party was following at the time of collision. Submit this information via the appropriate form to the Bureau of Time Anomalies, whose office runs 27.2 hours a day, twelve and a quarter days a week.
*The aforementioned graph has been banned for reproduction by the Bureau of Time Anomalies.
By: Carina Graham
In London, each mode of transportation runs on its own independent time stream, a phenomenon that has baffled theoretical physicists for decades. The most easily understood time stream is TubeTime®, which runs in the Underground. The rate of this time stream has a simple inverse relationship with the rush of the Tube passengers. To calculate the current rate of TubeTime®, simply sum up the number of minutes that each Tube passenger is late, divide that by the number of passengers, and use the handy graph* below to see how slowly TubeTime® is running in relation to the rest of the city. For example, when the passengers are collectively running a mean 5 minutes late, then TubeTime® is running 0.2X the rest of the city, or five times slower.
NOTE: the vertical asymptote at x = 0 allows for rare exceptions. There have been a few isolated incidents of TubeTime® ceasing entirely for certain individuals. When this happens, they cross into a zone existing outside of time, referred to colloquially as “The Gap.” When this occurs, the victims are quietly collected by the Bureau of Time Anomalies, painted various colors, dressed in costumes, and installed at Trafalgar Square, where their transcendence of the space-time continuum makes them appear to float in midair. In order to avoid slipping into The Gap, it is best to plan your Tube journeys with plenty of time to dawdle. If this is not possible, consider how little it would matter if you missed your train, which should reaccelerate TubeTime®.
Aboveground, things get more complicated. For example, on the first and third Monday of each month, buses run on Double-Decker Standard Time, which is thrice the speed of General Bike Time, which is itself one and a half times slower than Central Cab Time, the rate of which is doubled only for cabs on the seventh Tuesday of every month, and for the entirety of the twelve days of Christmas (or twelve and a half days, depending on which type of vehicle you spend most of your time in). This is admittedly difficult to keep track of, which leads to countless near-collisions every day. If you ever witness an accident (or, Queen forbid, are involved in one) please try to remain calm and be sure to exchange information on which time stream each party was following at the time of collision. Submit this information via the appropriate form to the Bureau of Time Anomalies, whose office runs 27.2 hours a day, twelve and a quarter days a week.
*The aforementioned graph has been banned for reproduction by the Bureau of Time Anomalies.